This 'Simple' Act Brought Me So Much Peace
Taking ownership and apologizing can be hard, especially when there are apologies owed by both parties. Yet, two words (‘I’m sorry’) can create so much peace for you and another person.
Since we can't control other people's actions, only our own, and since we're people of integrity (right?), it might be time to offer your apologies where repair is needed.
In recent weeks, there were two situations where life teed me up to own up to my side of relationship fractures.
In one case, it was a 10-year old issue that ended a friendship, which, admittedly, I couldn't remember why. But out of the blue, after a decade of not seeing each other, we were seated at the same table at a wedding. I worked up the courage to take him aside, share that I was happy to offer my apologies, including one for the fact that I didn't know why we had gotten here. He shared that it was he who owed the apology, and why, and we were able to reconcile.
In the other instance, with a friend of 20+ years, we'd had a splinter from which we were navigating a new path forward. Living in different cities and being in the same foreign one together, it felt right to share my apologies for where I could have done better.
Admittedly, a younger version of me would have eschewed these because, well, conflict avoidance. But that's also what contributed to me being in these sticky situations in the first place.
I also may have once felt that my apology would excuse them of their wrongdoings. I now know that to be false.
What mattered to me the most was clearing any negative energy. My ego could step aside.
In one instance, I received an apology, as well. In the other, I didn't. Both are okay, and in both, we've found paths forward. In one case, not in rebuilding our relationship, but in having the peace that comes from resolve.
When it comes to your life and leadership, where might it be appropriate for you to seek amends?
Think about it: did you ever have a parent or a boss who racked up emotional debts because of their inability to apologize? Don't be that person. Your people (family, friends, and team) are silently begging you to do better.
A sidebar: Something I've learned by doing it wrong for too many years is the importance of creating clarity upfront to prevent the need for as much cleanup later.
This is true in all relationship dynamics: friendships, collaborators, teammates, and clients.
I don't justify my preferences. I share them as an invitation for the other person to share theirs, then for us to discuss, and figure out whether or not there's alignment to move forward.
It can feel tempting to avoid this because you don't want to be rejected. Better to open these lines of honesty upfront and iterate as you go than to build any relationship on an unsteady foundation.
Reflection prompt:
Where are you carrying emotional debt that could be resolved with a single honest conversation?