An Honest Share About Shrinking Myself…
This is a little uncomfortable to share, but hey, I often ask questions of you in this space that might make you feel that way, too, and I'm all for being willing to do what I ask of others.
I've been noticing a voice in my mind when I'm socializing that asks questions like, ‘Should you have shared that?’, ‘Did you take up too much of the conversation?’, and, ‘Do they even care?’.
Let me be clear: these questions are not based on any data, subtle hints, expressions, or feedback from my conversation partners. They're that pesky inner critic that wants me to stay small and that's programmed to let others take all of the space (which is emphasized by my profession where I spend 80% of my time in conversations that are specifically about the other person).
After years of habituating that, coupled with a big life shift into motherhood, where much of my ‘free time’ is now allocated to conversations with a 2-year-old, the way I interact has changed. It's interesting to see how it can feel awkward, at times, to transition to peer-to-peer dynamics and conversations and how, in some cases, I can be so in my head doing something that once came so naturally.
I'm sharing this not because I suspect that your circumstances are the same or because you might relate, but because the bottom line is universal: our inner critics find ways to shrink us. Sometimes, our external critics do, too.
It might look like:
Staying agreeable, overly accessible, being the steady one, and/or not voicing your preferences.
These strategies (conscious or not) get you somewhere. So they're reinforced. Which means, we continue to do them until something starts to feel off.
Instead of leaning in, we often continue to lean out. Withdrawing for protection. Shrinking for self-preservation. We might justify and think or say ‘I'm good’, which is armor. But armor also blocks intimacy, which puts us in a self-fulfilling cycle of not getting the level of connection we need and want. It's brain candy to our inner critics, who have more fodder to keep us self-limiting.
It can turn into hyperindependence, which is culturally celebrated. It feels strong, efficient. But you can't build true connection (at home or work) this way.
The questions become:
Am I buying into my inner critic's narratives without questioning their validity?
What alternative possibilities might be true?
Where might I be shrinking and why?
What might a more fully expanded and embodied version of me look and feel like?
What small step(s) might I take to start realizing that version?
Where in my life am I still using a strategy that once protected me, but now limits me?
Now it's your turn to get a little uncomfortable…