The Leadership Trap No One Talks About: Fawning
Y'all know I love to read. I’d been struggling to find a book this year that wowed me and would be a top contender for my annual 'best of' list. Alas… I found it.
I recently finished Are You Mad At Me? by therapist Meg Josephson. What could have have another humdrum self-help book turned out to be a deep, generous conversation about trauma, identity, and safety.
Here are some of the key ideas that stood out, which I hope will support you (and/or encourage you to read it, too).
1. Fawning is the 'missing' trauma response
You know about fight, flight, and freeze. There's a fourth one: fawning (adapting, people-pleasing, over-accommodating to stay 'safe' in relationships). Josephson argues it's often miscast as a personality quirk rather than a survival mechanism.
In business and leadership, that looks like over-explaining, over-apologizing, suppressing one's voice to avoid conflict, or being the 'yes person' even when it costs you.
2. Hiding from yourself
Josephson lays out archetypal roles that fawners adopt: peacekeeper, performer, caretaker, chameleon, perfectionist, and lone wolf.
These roles help you survive, but often at the cost of hiding your true wants and boundaries.
3. Reconsider conflict and boundaries
Conflict, when handled consciously, can deepen connection rather than damage it (despite what a fawner's brain might have them believe).
Boundaries aren't about shutting people out; they're about clarifying what you will do and owning your integrity (even when others resist). A boundary doesn't control outcomes; it shapes your behavior.
4. Healing is embodied, slow, and incremental
You don't 'get rid of' fawning overnight. Part of her work is reconnecting with the body, tolerating uncomfortable emotions, and building internal safety.
She proposes frameworks like NICER (Notice, Invite, Curiosity, Embrace, Return) to interrupt automatic patterns. (I've shared this with clients who are using it in high-stress environments and finding great results.)
What this means for you
The people-pleasing instinct can show up in leadership as overcommitting, suppressing dissent to keep harmony, or muffling your strategic boldness.
When your 'yes' costs you bandwidth, clarity, and/or alignment, it's worth asking: Am I choosing this from a place of agency or from fear? Resentment is a signal for you.
Teams need leaders who can weather conflict, hold boundaries, and speak clearly. Learning to lean back in relationships (rather than always leaning forward to appease) is a mark of strength, not coldness.
Now consider:
What's a recent situation where you over-accommodated or apologized to avoid conflict?
Which of the 'roles' (peacekeeper, caretaker, performer, etc.) feels most familiar to you?
What boundary do you want to test this week (with a peer, direct report, or close ally)? Choose one low-stakes scenario and practice 'leaning back'. When you do, avoid over-explaining or anticipating. Simply respond with clarity and kindness.
Bonus: use the NICER steps: Notice your urge to fawn, Invite Curiosity about it, Embrace it without judgment, Return your focus to your own heart/voice.
Fawning doesn't make you weak; it made you resourceful. The invitation here isn't to 'fix' yourself, but to stop running your life with phantom rules you internalized long ago.
If you're leading a team or a company, your emotional clarity becomes a source of strength for others. As you reclaim your inner voice, you free your team to do the same.