Nothing to Prove
“Of what are you most proud these days?,” we asked each other as I sat for dinner with my friends kimberlin and amanda while my baby slept upstairs.
Each shared. When it was my turn, I expressed that I was proud of myself for having very little to prove to anyone anymore, other than myself. And even with myself, it's no longer a feeling of pushing or force. It's more so about aligning what I know is possible with my actions.
This is new terrain for me. I've spent most of my life with an overt and covert voice in the back of my head that told me that I needed to achieve, seek, drive, and ultimately, prove my worth to others. It hadn't occurred to me until only some years ago that approval of myself was most critical.
I named that voice. Not literally, like 'sally'. What I mean is that I recognized whose voice it was and the impression that these childhood imprints had left on me.
When I named it, I could opt in or out. I chose out.
That then freed me up to choose differently and do so with intention and by defining what matters to me now.
It's pretty tough to completely extricate ourselves from our socialization. In most cases, we don't want or need to.
For me, that meant that the outer trappings don't look all that different.
What is different is the feeling of the experience of it. It's no longer about chasing the endless and invisible list of expectations that are so long they coil up and turn into a hamster wheel.
It now feels like one of those summer evening walks, where it's light out until late and the lightning bugs are coming out. You're meandering slowly, knowing generally where you're heading, but without a timeline or rush. You get there, and you've enjoyed the path you took. It's a 'yes, and' scenario. The journey feels richer.
Question for you to consider: what's driving you? Are there any inner shifts you want to make?